I accidentally had phone sex last night
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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