And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
