I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
my poor anus
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
