the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
