Swine flu. Run for my life!
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
