I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
