I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
She needs sedatives and a leash
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
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