All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
