He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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