Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
