I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
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