remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
