Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
