i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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