Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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