If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
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