Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
