The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
