I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Just high enough for therapy.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Randomize
