i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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