I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Dignity is for republicans.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
