When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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