does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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