i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
