According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
You need a sexual gate keeper
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
