my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
