Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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