john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
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