I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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