what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
he shaved USA in his pubs
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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