my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
