It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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