Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
