Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. ðŸ˜
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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