if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
