ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize