i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
