I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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