Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
