God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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