hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Randomize
