Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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