Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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