whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
