i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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