No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
