Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
