fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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