Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I just blew my weed a kiss
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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