My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
