Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
