Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
