exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
