Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
