I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Randomize
