I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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