She said her name was "party"
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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